Aussie Rules Football: A Losing Streak

In honor of today's 112th annual Grand Finals in Melbourne, I thought I'd devote a few minutes to demystifying the bloodsport that is Aussie Rules Football. I have found that most Americans think Aussie Rules is cool, and I have determined that there are three reasons for this:

1- Their football looks like ours, so it is familiar.
2- We don't really have any idea how their game is played, so it is exotic.
3- We respect the fact that they, like us, have resisted the urge to be hip and global and concentrate on soccer like the rest of the world.
4- A game where you get to tackle without wearing helmets or pads reminds of us the playground in grade school. It also satisfies our thirst for blood.

I must say, helmets are kind of nice. Sure, they reduce your vision on the field. But I bet you wish you had one if, for example, you get drunk with your mates and then decide to streak at the local footy match. Especially if begin to attempt a naked cartwheel at midfield, then change your mind in mid-air, and end up nose-diving into the dirt and knocking yourself unconscious, Just ask Nathan Roberts, who recently suffered this insult upon injury at Virginia Oval north of Adelaide Source . Health problems had cut short his career as a player, but like many athletes past their prime, he missed the thrill of competing and being in the spotlight. With the help of liquid courage, he ignored pneumonia, fluid on his lungs, and an inflamed liver and spleen, to run one last ballsy play. The first twenty seconds of this video are well worth a peek:


After making a comparative analysis that is as objective as possible, I believe American football is, on its face, a better game. I try to explain to Jo the beauty of a team full of specialists running elaborate plays and using multiple strategies to move an army of beefcakes down the field. The stop-start nature of our game combined with the technical wonders of the modern TV sports broadcast create the perfect combination for socializing and spectating. You watch a play, then eat, drink, cheer, jeer, watch the replay, and then repeat. And everyone gets to be an expert.

In all fairness, however, I may be comparing apples and oranges. If American football is like an amazing succession of outdoor fireworks, then Aussie Rules is like attending Burning Man. The action is frenzied and continuous, and the scores are astronomical. During the occasional timeout or game break, at least half the crowd leaves their seats and runs around on the field. And yes, it's not uncommon for some of them to do so naked. Here's the game as it was explained to me:

You score by getting the ball between the uprights, whether by land, air, sea, or budgy smuggling. There are four posts; you earn 6 points for scoring between the middle two, and one point if your aim is only good enough to split the outer posts. You have several ways to advance the ball. First, you can kick it, which is hard enough due to the footy's wobbly shape. Second, you can run with it, but after 10 yards or so you have to dribble it like a basketball. This is just silly. Finally, you can pass it to a teammate, but you cannot throw it. You have to punch it, like an angry kangaroo. The result of all this is a game something like my brothers and I used to invent in the backyard when we were bored in the summertime.

I asked Jo's brother if the teams were running any kind of formations or employing planned strategies. "I suppose they could, but no one would much be able to tell the difference," he laughed. "It's organized chaos." So you have a field full of powerful athletic specimens trying to do absurd things with a wobbly ball while everyone in the stands screams at the referees and hopes for victory. There is something refreshing about a game where you do not have to pretend to be an expert with all the other "Monday morning quarterbacks" in the stands. Just stand in the eye of the storm and make noise with your buddies in an arena that is part gladiator ring, part college kegger, and part Naked Special Olympics.



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